Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
