I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
