you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
