i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
