Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
