Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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