You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
