I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
