A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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