apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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