highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
