I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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