my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
