I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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