Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i dont even know how to be here
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
