So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
