Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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