I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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