the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
