My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
