Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize