i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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