I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
