I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
