I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we made out on top of his cat.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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