Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
