Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
