Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
