life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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