I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
