my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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