I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
