you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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