During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
