Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
