I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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