The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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