I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
