My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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