no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
