I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
