I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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