We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
