I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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