Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
