we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She bit a glass in half.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
