I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know her cup size but not her name....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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