Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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