Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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