oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
